Time is NOT on your side

Contrary to the lyrics by The Rolling Stones, time is NOT on your side. This is a broad statement, vague at best but, as you might have guessed I plan on explaining...in detail....and hopefully it will change the way someone thinks.
As children, we have little to no concept of time. Time is measured by how long a cartoon might last. As teen-agers we can hardly wait until we are another year older so we can drive or go to high school or whatever it is that we live to do...My mom used to tell me not to wish my life away and although I understood her point I could not see how fast time passes really....
In our young adult lives we get busy with life. Working, making a career, a home , a family...and we are so busy that we don't even notice time slipping away until one day when some milestone is reached and the lightbulb that is our inner clock begins to glow faintly. Illuminating only slightly the concept of time moving faster.
Maybe it's your kids graduation. Maybe it's your 30th or 40th birthday or you lose a parent or someone you went to school with. It is then that you can usually hear us saying things like " time seems to go by faster now that we are older" .
But that still isn't the real point I am making.
For those reading who are still basically healthy or just plain young....imagine you have been told you have an incurable, fatal disease. Try to imagine how that might feel. What would you do differently ? How would your priorities change ? Would you modify the way you lived ? Act or behave ? Think ? Relate to others ? Try real hard. Close your eyes and really try to let those feelings into your brain.
I know. It sounds so cliche', so trite , so something......all of us have heard similar stuff. Maybe it was in church when someone asks you if you died tonight are you ready ? That is NOT what I am looking for here. That's your personal issue. No, what I am driving at is more of a complete change in thinking processes.
So, lets get back to it. Have you tried to imagine the feeling ? OK.
Now, everyone has probably heard that country song about hoping one day to get the chance to live like you were dying, or maybe you have read Mitch Alboms book, "Tuesday's with Morrie"
I have referenced it in earlier blogs. I know , running it in the ground, belaboring the point but this is important to me.
The other day, I tried to explain it to my boss and did a poor job. We didn't seem to connect. He thought I meant that all of us should live only in the present, having no goals or dreams or ambitions. That isn't it at all.
I have lots of goals and dreams and ambitions. I want to finish building my 69 Camaro and enjoy it a few years. I want to see my son get married, become a father. I want to win Store Manager of the Quarter or better yet year before I retire. I want to teach my daughter how to pick the right guy. I want to take my wife to NYC.
I believe I will do ALL those things. I think about the future every day. I am not living just for the present.
BUT and this is a big BUT....being diagnosed with Parkinsons ( incurable but not fatal ) caused me to start thinking in terms of my own mortality. Then, my wife bought that book Tuesday's with Morrie. I read it. Everyone should read it. I began to realize that even though ALL of us know we will one day die, few of us live our lives like we understand it. We live thinking tomorrow will ALWAYS come. It doesn't.
Start watching. This past year I have seen a kid my son's age nearly killed by a drunk driver. The son of a high school classmate drop dead with no warning. People around us die all the time and most of us still don't get it.
Remember I asked you to imagine if you were stricken with an incurable , fatal disease ?
Guess what ? You have been. That's right, YOU. It's called LIFE.
An old preacher friend of mine explained it this way. The moment we are born we begin to die. Dying is a natural part of living. Again, don't get me wrong , I am not out trying to "save" you, that's your issue to resolve. Maybe more important, this isn't doom and gloom either. This is about life and how you choose to live it.
If you can accept that being born is an automatic death sentence, that you really are one day going to pass on, that tomorrow is never promised ...and every day ask yourself what you can do today to make a difference, then you WILL live a richer, fuller life.
Make your plans, set your goals, live your dreams. Only you must remember that time is not on your side or at least it may not be.
So, love your family. Take time , it's a quality of life thing really. That's all. Decide what is really important each hour of each day. You will be happier, less stressed and those around you will feel and see the change.
Time is not on your side. What will you do different today ?

OLD FRIENDS / NEW FRIENDS

Recently, an old friend and former co-worker crossed paths with me. She was diagnosed with MS a few years ago, well before my PD diagnosis. She is doing so well , it was really encouraging to see her. We share many of the same challenges and struggles. I am hoping we can stay in touch but you know how hard that is to do.....Anyway, hats off to you girl ! I was inspired by your courage, positive outlook and shared struggles.
Under the new friend category- I attended a support group for Young Onset PD folks and am very happy to have found them. These folks are more willing to discuss their experiences and real life challenges than the older retired type support group I had been attending. Quite a bunch of characters as well I might add ! Am looking forward to getting to know them better as time goes on....
Old friend - Dan (PD PLUS ME) stopped in to read my last post. I can never get over how well Dan describes PD and its symptoms and effects on our lives. If you haven't done so, you should click on his link listed on the left.
Next subject - Cholesterol meds . Family doc put me on Zocor or tried to about 8 months ago. I read the side effects and never filled the Rx-
On a routine visit 6 months later he shamed me into trying it for a month. Turns out it nearly ruined me. GEEZ- does anyone out there take this stuff and function normally ? If so, let me know !
Stopped taking it two days ago and feel like a new man !
All for now- take care !

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.......

Life as we know it....is over. For lots of reasons. Don't get me wrong, life isn't over , in some ways it's just getting started ..again :-)
But the life I thought I might have is certainly in an "altered state" so to speak. Hence, the quote at the top of my blog , Life is what happens when we make other plans.
This week it seems really clear to me that I am changing quite a bit in many subtle ways. PD can be such a cunning little disease that the changes are sometimes not so noticeable to the person with the disease. Or, maybe we are so preoccupied with it that we neglect to think of how some things may affect those we love.
My Mary and I were discussing two areas recently that she has had issues with and you can read about her struggles on her blog. The two areas are:
Lack of emotion or Apathy and voice changes. I know I usually tell little stories on my blog but this is kind of important....it potentially affects every relationship in my entire life.

My doctor forewarned us about facial masking and apathy but it kind of crept in without me noticing. The one person closest to me is so good about recognizing these things , I am thankful for her insights even when it pains me to admit I missed something along the way. Now that she has pointed out how it affects her I can look back and see how it may be affecting other things and other people.
For instance, I have had several customers who know me well tell me I don't look good or ask me what's wrong with me. My emotionless face and speech is showing itself in every part of my life. What this points out to me is that in order to take care of those closest to me I need to be sure I use words to express my feelings and if I can, try to force some form of emotion out of my dead pan face.
It also gives me some type of explanation for those times when someone I don't know well asks if I am all right.
I can't help but wonder how this may eventually affect my career. After all, most people know nearly squat about PD except that it makes you shake. People in general don't know anything at all about facial masking, apathy, speech changes, vision changes, rigid or slow movements etc.
To be honest , it has upset me a little. I feel bad that I missed the signs on how it was progressing. I feel worse still because I know how much worse it can and likely will get and I hate feeling like I am letting people down who love me. I have heard my sister in law say she misses the man she married ( my brother has PD+MSA)and even though it is obvious looking at him what she means, I really didn't expect to not be ME so soon I guess.
Even though it's hard to show emotions or passion with this disease it is all still there trying to get out. So, the challenge for me is to make sure the people in my life know how I feel aven when my voice and body language try to sabotage my efforts.
Thanks for the heads up my honey !

A MIXED BAG.......

I never seem able to keep up with blogging....but I am trying ! Lots of little things to chatter about...
Remember the old lawn mower I took to my Dad ? He has used it twice and is having trouble using it due to safety lockouts ( won't start if blades are engaged ! ) and other things of a similar nature. It's pretty funny , I keep going over and showing him and he finds another way for something not to work...LOL

If you read my blog chances are you may read my wife's blog "Life with Shaky" . If not you should, that is where all the inspiration and stuff gets written and you can keep up with us better because she is blogging more than me. She recently posted about me exercising and I must comment...THANK YOU SO MUCH HONEY, YOU FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT !
Meaning I got a little credit. Basically she finally realized that I walk enough at work, I bend, stretch, workout in the yard and in the shop working on my car. Read it, please, I feel so vindicated ...
Speaking of the car, it's coming along slowly due to time issues. The subframe is removed and I will be sand blasting and repainting it soon, then a disc brake conversion will be hung on it. Hopefully before winter the body will go to the chassis shop and be cut out and a narrowed rear clip installed.
August promises to be busy- A new PD support group to attend on the 2nd. A wedding to go to on the 9th, a gun show on the 16th and a big hot rod show and swap meet on the 23rd.
Ain't lookin like I am slowing down none too much...
BUT
I have had two or three people tell me how bad I look recently. I think it is the heat, it gets to me quick now a days and probably also a little facial masking along with that rigid left arm, I probably do look bad , but I feel just fine most of the time. So , if you see me and my face is blank or I look bad, I am fine. It's just PD lurking around .

My son posted a comment about going to the go kart track again. Think I may pass on that one. I hate losing , maybe I will spectate or shoot video for him....

Well, may be more later ....

SO MUCH MORE - CONTINUED

June was a busy month for us. We took a long awaited real vacation to Virginia Beach and had a nice family time. Made some of those old time looking photo's which are really cool looking....celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary while we were there. Seems like forever but in the best possible way sweetie !
As soon as we got back I spent an hour on the go kart track with a bunch of 20 somethings- a guy that used to work for me was getting married and he started his bachelor party off with renting the kart track at VIR in Danville for all the party attendees which included my son. There was a lot of trash talking about who could outdrive whom between my son and I leading up to this event.
Let me tell you- I GOT HAMMERED !
There were fourteen of us and I had the slowest lap time at 57 seconds. My son of course had the second fastest time at around 47 seconds...He showed me that day that all the work he put into his road car and all the time he has spent learning to drive curves instead of a straight line like old Dad, all of that became real for me that day. I was already so proud of his mechanical aptitude beyond measure. I knew he was a pretty good road course driver but I didn't realize just how good until I saw him do it in the go kart.
To my defense, I am about 100 pounds heavier than most of those kids and also, the lap sheet gave average lap times of all your laps and when you look at those times I was in the middle somewhere. Meaning I drove the course HARD every lap even though it took all I had in me to do it , others ran a few good laps and took it easy. When I compete at anything, there is only one speed- WFO. Same approach to PD- full speed ahead. A friend of mine told me to hang in there today- to which I replied " It (PD) will have to come and get me because I ain't giving up "
The next week after vacation my wife had obligated us to go to Richmond to support a guy with YOPD who was motorcycling around the country to raise money for PD research. We went, me not expecting much but boy did I get a surprise. Not only did the press cover the event, they swamped us taking photo's and interviews. Partly because we drove an hour and a half to support this but mainly because I wore a shirt that had SHAKY on the front and my wife's shirt said I'M WITH SHAKY.....Everyone wanted to know where they could get them. We made the front page of the Richmond paper -local section, made ALOT of new friends and I am sure we will be back in Richmond before it's over with...
If you want to read about the motorcyle guy here is his website- www.rideagainstparkinsons.org

It got me to thinking- If he can raise $10K riding around on a scooter - as many people as I know, I should be able to do that too....let me have some feedback on that would you ?

Anyway, it's late and I am heading off to bed. We have a new baby in the house - NO we are not pregnant...foster child from Haiti here on a medical visa for surgery. Here's how this goes:

ME - skeptical, cautious and reserved
MY WIFE - enthusiastic and ready to go
ME- humbled and learning another lesson

More on this next time !

MISTRESS, MOWING AND SO MUCH MORE

WOW, my last post was in early May- long time, sorry to my one loyal reader (DP) :-)



I ended my last post saying I would tell you about my mistress next time so I guess I better keep some kind of continuity....of course it's a car. For all the years and cars, trucks and motorcycles and even boats I have bought sold and traded there is one in particular that stands out. The 1969 Camaro is far and away my all time favorite. I have owned three or four of them and it was also the very first car I ever owned. The last one was sold in the early to mid 80's before the prices of these cars went stupid. I bought that last one for $1800- sold it for $3600 and thought I was pretty savvy. Today, the same car in that condition would bring nearly $20K...

Over the years I have conditioned myself to accept that I would never be able to buy another one prices what they are...but in my last post I noted that the yellow truck got traded for another 1969 Camaro. A basket case that still ran me more than what I sold the last one for ...forurnately I could trade and get some cash to boot.
So there you are- my mistress is a 1969 Camaro for the next few years. I am telling folks that this is my last project. Most don't believe me or don't want to discourage me, but it likely is the last car I will build. You can watch my progress at www.bhsbees.com/keith
Anyway, about that grass mowing - what is so special about that ?
On Fathers Day , I finished fixing up my old riding mower which is still better than my Dad's antique riding mower. I took it to my Dad's and my son helped me install a battery and the next time Dad mowed his grass, I helped on my old mower. I actually like mowing grass you see. And I have good memories of mowing with my Dad when I was a teenager. There was just something very special about the two of us (him at 92) running around his yard mowing together. After all, he taught me to mow and he is still teaching me stuff today , when I listen...which I am much better at now that I am older. Anyway, it was a Hallmark moment that no one else likely can understand and I wanted to write about.
The other day I went by and he was getting ready to mow again. Guess which mower he used ? The one I fixed up for him. I love it when a plan comes together....

IT'S COMPLICATED YOU SEE............

First I want to acknowledge a new friend....David S. from SoCal, thanks for stopping by and look for an e mail from me soon !

This will be a very random collection of thoughts so bear with me.

We all know stress is the enemy of PWP but how do you avoid stress these days ? Some PWP find a way to quit their jobs, spend time with family, exercise a whole bunch and apparently can exist in a zen like state 24/7. I am actually happy for those who can do that. Unfortunately I can't swing it right now. That's a little frustrating to me I admit.

I feel lucky though. I am still able to work. I can do pretty much everything I want to although sometimes I need a hand for a really tough job like changing a motor or building a flower bed. By far the biggest impact to me right now is the loss of some use on my left side and the constant fatigue after about six hours of activity. I know it is distressing to my wife when I have to crash for an hour or two and I worry about that a lot but I am trying to take shorter power naps so as not to take time from the family. If you have PD, you know what I mean about just having to lay down for a few minutes....

This past week has really been a tough one and it won't get any easier for a couple more weeks. My son swapped turbo engine into his road car over the weekend and is now in the final stages of that. Very Very proud of his expertise, work ethic, and above all his willingness to learn whatever it takes to make his dreams come true. He came up with a saying a few years ago when we were working on a GEO Tracker he wanted to build.
"It's not what you buy, it's what you build" \
Great stuff !
Along with his project, I recently made a deal to trade the yellow race truck at the top of this blog for a 1969 Camaro project car - See Quote Above...:-)
We had to pull the motor and transmission out of the truck today so it could leave Friday. Needless to say I am beat but excited about this new project- more on that in my next post.
So I am busy in the shop, busy at work, trying to get a Mothers Day trip to the beach in this weekend to treat my sweetie, dealing with typical pre teen issues, trying to understand why my paycheck doesn't go as far when I am making more than ever ( gas, groceries, etc are a big source of frustration) but somehow .....even though it's complicated, life is sure worth it.

I had a special Daddy moment tonight. Right after pulling the motor out of the hot rod , totally drained of energy and starving.....eating dinner....
My 17 month old daughter was playing with a keyboard that play little tunes and her mom told her to dance...which she promptly did. Very cute.
Then she called to her mom and held out her hand wanting mommy to dance , which she did of course. Even more cute.
Then of course my little baby girl held out her hand towards me and said - Daddy ! She wanted me to dance with her next. For just one or two seconds I considered making the excuse that Daddy was just too wore out to dance. But then I thought about how old I am (52) and having PD and it hit me that there was a pretty good chance I might not be able to dance with her one day sometime in the future. For sure not at her wedding. So we danced. First seperate, where I invented a new step called The Shaky Shuffle, and then with her in my arms twirling her around.
What a special moment brought to me by PD. If not for PD I would take that kind of thing for granted but instead, it's like the latin saying " Carpe Diem" - Sieze the Day ! Or in this case moment...which brings me to another saying I like - coined by a friend of mine who lost her battle with Cancer about five years ago. She said " Every one you don't take is one you don't get" meaning opportunities of any type.
So , you see it is complicated. I figure If I can find something about PD that I can be thankful for that makes a better person or Daddy, then my day was a success. Hope yours was as good as mine.
Next time I will tell you about my mistress......