The other day I was visiting my older brother and his wife. Sitting on the sofa talking about whatever......very pleasant. Although none of us siblings stay in touch as much as we should, as we have gotten older, we have all realized that there is a time stamp if you will...and we now talk more than we ever used to.
Although all four of us boys are different, there are some things that we have ALL had an interest in at some point in time. Cars in general springs to mind....one of us has had three or four Starsky and Hutch Torino replicas, one of us fooled around with a Chevelle and a pretty cool Torino back in the day. I am the die hard lifelong drag race fanatic and my oldest brother with whom I was visiting shares my passion for NHRA drag racing.
I remember once when I was racing a 67 Camaro there was some welding to be done and I had never done any welding....so he gave it a try and got the job done- without using a welding helmet. Burned his eyes pretty good, spent days with raw potato slices over his eyes trying to fix his eyes. The old days.....
I learned a lot from him....how to make a square braid keychain.....how to rot a muffler from the inside so that it sounds cool without buying a performance muffler (give us a break - it was the 60's).....how to body surf and live to tell about it.....Of course he became a Dad first being the oldest and he was a great Dad as his kids grew up and I just watched and learned....
Being the oldest, I guess I always looked up to him. He was cool. Very popular with lots of friends and as I grew up I turned out a lot like him as far as career choices, personality, etc. We even worked for the same company for a few years. At one point, he ran the starting line and I did tech inspections and ran the staging lanes at the local drag strip on the weekends. Remember the jet cars ? He would hit the start button on the christmas tree, turn his back and go into a fetal crouch while two jet cars kicked the afterburners and roared off the starting line inches away on either side ! Courage !
Yep, I learned much more than what it is written here and today....I am still learning and he is still teaching. We are more alike than we ever dreamed....You see, he has Parkinsons too....except with a cruel twist. On top of the PD there is multiple system atrophy. He really can't speak now...or walk...or eat (feeding tube) ...we communicate with a letter board where spells out words and sentences by pointing. We still talk drag racing and discuss whats going on in the NHRA and I keep him posted on my progress with my 69 Camaro.
As I sat there with he and his wife he still has that light in his eyes and a shit eatin grin on his face when he is amused by the conversation around him. While I was there he decided to show me the physical therapy exercises he does to try and slow the muscle deterioration. As he slowly raised his legs with the ankle weights strapped on or pulled against the rubber stretch cords while his wife held the other end and counted his repititions I was struck by the courage and determination it must take from him each day. And yet, he still has a grin and a thumbs up for me whenever I stop in to visit.
This people, is real courage. I hope he knows how much I learned from him over the years and how much I am still learning even now. As I said we are a lot alike. I don't think there is anyone else who can teach me what you are teaching me now....so keep teaching. And I will keep trying to learn and hope that I can be like you and have that same spirit and courage !
Shaaky
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Glimpse into the mind.....
I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine via Facebook. Joel and I worked together about 8 or 9 years ago. We were both "bouncers" at one of the largest night clubs on the east coast. Joel was the head bouncer. Young, buff, cocky in a quiet confident way and experienced. Me ? Older, not buff, the inexperienced new guy. Not confident in any way about being a bouncer. I really didn't know what I was doing or what I was getting myself into....
I only knew -
1) I was newly single
2) I was bored and lonely
3) I wanted to do something fun and exciting instead moping around at home
And so it began.
White collar sales manager by day.....Patrick Swayze in Road House at night. Well, maybe not quite that bad but sometimes it got pretty wild. My.....the stories I could tell ...back to my point.
When Joel and I chatted on Facebook we were remembering our adventures as bouncers and as the chat continued, he told me that I was "bad assed" back in the day. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't saying I was mean, tough, or violent. He meant that I had "skills" as the teenagers like to say these days. When I humbly objected that I wasn't that good Joel made it clear that his compliment was sincere. Needless to say it was flattering and made me feel very good.
That exchange on Facebook started me thinking about confidence. How we gain it and also how we lose it.
When I was a young man I gained confidence in several areas. Working on cars, especially hot rods, driving race cars, outdoor skills as a boy scout and later competitive pistol shooting and building custom handguns. In the business world I developed my sales and project management skills. I found that if I put my mind to it and worked or practiced long enough I developed the skills which led to confidence in that area. I was and continue to be a very competitive person.
Confidence results when we work and practice at something until we know we are good at it. Right ?
One area that I lacked confidence was in physical confrontation. I wasn't a fighter. So, when I signed on as a bouncer it was with fear and anxiety. However, in Joel I had a great teacher and apparently I was a good student. So how does this relate to Parkinsons ?
One of the first things I noticed after I was diagnosed three years ago was a keen lack of confidence. The reason this is important is simple. Most people can see the physical affects PD has on a person very easily. But few can "see" the emotional affects. My wife easily understands my physical limitations but she struggles at times to even know about the battles within my mind much less how those battles might affect me. This is a glimpse into the mind of a PD patient on a topic that I feel sure we all deal with....erosion of confidence.
When a PD patient is under stress and the adrenlin kicks in most of the time the result is tremors or shaking. Physically uncomfortable, very visible, but what about the mental cost?
Well, I can only relate my own experience.
For me, in the beginning, I started to wonder how people viewed my shaking. If I had to "write up" an employee or even terminate one, would they view my tremors as weakness ? Would they think I was intimadated ? What about my wife ? Every couple disagrees now and then. If we were nagging at each other and you know you are going to shake....will she think I am about to lose my temper and attack her ? Or would she think I was about to have a heart attack ? You wonder. And when you wonder ...you begin to doubt....can I still manage people effectively ?
This issue pops up all the time. A simple battery installation. Obviously my skill with hand tools is no longer what it used to be. Do I do it anyway and hope the customer will understand the extra time it will take me ? Do I delegate it to one of my employees ? Will that employee view me as a lazy boss ? Resent me ? Think maybe I am no longer able to do my job ? You wonder . You begin to doubt. You start to lose the edge, the confidence.
Driving a car is more of a challenge now than a passion. The other night I ran up against a curb by accident. Probably wouldn't have happened four years ago. My wife said nothing. But I know what she was thinking and it hurt and made me angry all at the same time. Again, you wonder...how long before I shouldn't drive ? And you doubt. And day by day, little by little your confidence slips away without anyone but you seeing or knowing. It drives you ...insane at times. And other times it drives you to push harder, like that chain link fence around my yard that Mary said I couldn't put up. Did I ? Hell yes with a little help I did it my damn self. Nearly killed me but I did it. In those moments, when you triumph in spite of the disease, you swell with pride and confidence, but only briefly. Those moments are fewer and fewer now. And the wonder, doubt and erosion of confidence (which leads to self worth issues) creep in more and more.
Mary claims my only approach to fighting my PD is to look it in the face and say " I won't let this stop me from living my life " and mostly that has been the case. And that it is very important to me. She can plainly see the physical battles fought daily.
However, only I am privy to the many, many conversations with myself about wonder, doubt and confidence. Only I know how many times doubt or lack of confidence stops me or slows me every single day.
On the bright side, after three years I have learned that I can indeed still do most anything but slower and more cautious now. Mary has been wonderful, encouraging me most of the time even as I am sure she questions in her own mind.
Bryan, my grown son is a constant source of encouragement and help. He reminds me that I am Keith Lewis and I can do anything I set my mind to.
And Joel. Who reminded me that I am bad assed, or was....I had skills.
Some skills are still there , others , not so much. You won't see me throwing anyone out the door of the bar....
In closing, I want to share some things I learned as a bouncer:
1) Vomit is the most slippery substance in the universe. Mobil 1 synthetic oil most certainly must be made from recycled puke.
2) I hate stupid drunks, have no use for them.
3) A full nelson hold is of no use on anyone taller than you are. It will land you in the floor.
4)Bored bouncers will stoop to almost anything to instigate a small riot so we can have fun too.
5) There is no worse sound than someone's fist smashing someone's face. Over and over.
6) Drunks can find confidence in a bottle. It's not the real thing. But it's often fun to watch.
7) Break Stuff recorded by Limp Biskit will nearly always guarantee some bouncer fun !
8) Two women fighting are harder to break up and throw out than ANY four guys.
9) You can get the phone numbers of lots of women , they like bouncers.
10) Watch out for the quiet ones. The loud talkers are just that ....loud talkers.
Hope you enjoyed this one and maybe it helps someone underestand the battles of the mind......
Shaaky
I only knew -
1) I was newly single
2) I was bored and lonely
3) I wanted to do something fun and exciting instead moping around at home
And so it began.
White collar sales manager by day.....Patrick Swayze in Road House at night. Well, maybe not quite that bad but sometimes it got pretty wild. My.....the stories I could tell ...back to my point.
When Joel and I chatted on Facebook we were remembering our adventures as bouncers and as the chat continued, he told me that I was "bad assed" back in the day. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't saying I was mean, tough, or violent. He meant that I had "skills" as the teenagers like to say these days. When I humbly objected that I wasn't that good Joel made it clear that his compliment was sincere. Needless to say it was flattering and made me feel very good.
That exchange on Facebook started me thinking about confidence. How we gain it and also how we lose it.
When I was a young man I gained confidence in several areas. Working on cars, especially hot rods, driving race cars, outdoor skills as a boy scout and later competitive pistol shooting and building custom handguns. In the business world I developed my sales and project management skills. I found that if I put my mind to it and worked or practiced long enough I developed the skills which led to confidence in that area. I was and continue to be a very competitive person.
Confidence results when we work and practice at something until we know we are good at it. Right ?
One area that I lacked confidence was in physical confrontation. I wasn't a fighter. So, when I signed on as a bouncer it was with fear and anxiety. However, in Joel I had a great teacher and apparently I was a good student. So how does this relate to Parkinsons ?
One of the first things I noticed after I was diagnosed three years ago was a keen lack of confidence. The reason this is important is simple. Most people can see the physical affects PD has on a person very easily. But few can "see" the emotional affects. My wife easily understands my physical limitations but she struggles at times to even know about the battles within my mind much less how those battles might affect me. This is a glimpse into the mind of a PD patient on a topic that I feel sure we all deal with....erosion of confidence.
When a PD patient is under stress and the adrenlin kicks in most of the time the result is tremors or shaking. Physically uncomfortable, very visible, but what about the mental cost?
Well, I can only relate my own experience.
For me, in the beginning, I started to wonder how people viewed my shaking. If I had to "write up" an employee or even terminate one, would they view my tremors as weakness ? Would they think I was intimadated ? What about my wife ? Every couple disagrees now and then. If we were nagging at each other and you know you are going to shake....will she think I am about to lose my temper and attack her ? Or would she think I was about to have a heart attack ? You wonder. And when you wonder ...you begin to doubt....can I still manage people effectively ?
This issue pops up all the time. A simple battery installation. Obviously my skill with hand tools is no longer what it used to be. Do I do it anyway and hope the customer will understand the extra time it will take me ? Do I delegate it to one of my employees ? Will that employee view me as a lazy boss ? Resent me ? Think maybe I am no longer able to do my job ? You wonder . You begin to doubt. You start to lose the edge, the confidence.
Driving a car is more of a challenge now than a passion. The other night I ran up against a curb by accident. Probably wouldn't have happened four years ago. My wife said nothing. But I know what she was thinking and it hurt and made me angry all at the same time. Again, you wonder...how long before I shouldn't drive ? And you doubt. And day by day, little by little your confidence slips away without anyone but you seeing or knowing. It drives you ...insane at times. And other times it drives you to push harder, like that chain link fence around my yard that Mary said I couldn't put up. Did I ? Hell yes with a little help I did it my damn self. Nearly killed me but I did it. In those moments, when you triumph in spite of the disease, you swell with pride and confidence, but only briefly. Those moments are fewer and fewer now. And the wonder, doubt and erosion of confidence (which leads to self worth issues) creep in more and more.
Mary claims my only approach to fighting my PD is to look it in the face and say " I won't let this stop me from living my life " and mostly that has been the case. And that it is very important to me. She can plainly see the physical battles fought daily.
However, only I am privy to the many, many conversations with myself about wonder, doubt and confidence. Only I know how many times doubt or lack of confidence stops me or slows me every single day.
On the bright side, after three years I have learned that I can indeed still do most anything but slower and more cautious now. Mary has been wonderful, encouraging me most of the time even as I am sure she questions in her own mind.
Bryan, my grown son is a constant source of encouragement and help. He reminds me that I am Keith Lewis and I can do anything I set my mind to.
And Joel. Who reminded me that I am bad assed, or was....I had skills.
Some skills are still there , others , not so much. You won't see me throwing anyone out the door of the bar....
In closing, I want to share some things I learned as a bouncer:
1) Vomit is the most slippery substance in the universe. Mobil 1 synthetic oil most certainly must be made from recycled puke.
2) I hate stupid drunks, have no use for them.
3) A full nelson hold is of no use on anyone taller than you are. It will land you in the floor.
4)Bored bouncers will stoop to almost anything to instigate a small riot so we can have fun too.
5) There is no worse sound than someone's fist smashing someone's face. Over and over.
6) Drunks can find confidence in a bottle. It's not the real thing. But it's often fun to watch.
7) Break Stuff recorded by Limp Biskit will nearly always guarantee some bouncer fun !
8) Two women fighting are harder to break up and throw out than ANY four guys.
9) You can get the phone numbers of lots of women , they like bouncers.
10) Watch out for the quiet ones. The loud talkers are just that ....loud talkers.
Hope you enjoyed this one and maybe it helps someone underestand the battles of the mind......
Shaaky
Saturday, January 9, 2010
INEVITABLITY
In previous posts I have spent some time exploring the certainty of dying and acceptance of that forgone conclusion. The subject is explained best in Mitch Albom's book, Tuesdays with Morrie and oddly accepting your own death actually frees you to live the rest of your days with a much better outlook on life in general. Don't worry, I'm not going to get on that soap box again. I bring this up as an introduction to another self realization....
If you follow my wife's blog, Life with Shaky, you may know that over the last year we have sturggled with a decision about keeping or selling our home. The initial question arose because Mary felt we should be moving toward planning for the time when I cannot work or take care of the day to day duties of maintaining a home due to PD. A scuffle ensued so to speak....me standing firmly against acceptance of the thought of selling our home which would mean me losing my shop where I love to play with hot rods. After all, I'm not dead yet, I am still a successful general manager for an auto parts retailer, I am in the middle of building a pro street 1969 Camaro.....and so it goes.
Mary on the other hand was likely seeing things more clearly than I would like to admit but in the end I prevailed. More like I won the battle only to lose the war.
Now, 12-18 months later the subject is back on the table again albeit for other reasons.
Things change. Always there is change and just when you think you have most everything under control you wake up one day and the things you were prepared to deal with are not the same things that you actually have to deal with because things changed. Sometimes change happens slowly , other times almost over night.
In the last 18 months.....Who Knew?
- that Mary and I would agree to have one more child which would mean we would lose her income for some time.
- that the company I work for would change the bonus structure essentially eliminating about $5000 from my income.
- the economy would tank in the worst way since the depression resulting in catastrophic business failures, bank bailouts, run away inflation . plummeting home values, and on and on...
And one day you wake up and realize that it's true what they say....the only constant is death and taxes so to speak. And taxes is where our story springs from....
The other day I was doing some pre work on our tax return and Mary and I were talking about when she was a single mom how she could claim the earned income credit which is a government credit that was introduced in the mid 70's to encourage people to work even if the only job they could get did not provide enough income for their needs. At the end of the year , to reward you for not sitting on your butt and living on welfare and food stamps, the government recognized that you hold a job albeit one that won't pay all the bills, and so they give you a big tax credit to offset your shortfall so to speak.
I used to be so envious of that whopped tax refund she would get....
Anyway, on a whim, I checked to see if we now qualified for the EIC and WE DID ....
With my reduced salary due to bonus structure and a freeze on merit raises for two years and little Cecila now in the picture, it is now official, even the US government recognizes that WE are in tough times.
Who Knew ?
Well, at least I am working , at a good job with good benefits. Many people aren't. And the fact that we are doing as well as we are ? Well, not long ago, I was talking to a friend about his business and I asked him to what did he attribute the continued growth of his business to in these trying economic times ? He said two words which really have stuck with me....
God's Blessing.
And if you ask me, that about says it for Mary and I too.
Who knew ? I asked earlier. Certainly , we did not anticipate all I outlined above.
But, how can I explain what drove us over the last five years to pay off nearly every single credit debt we had between us ? We started with Mary's car, then mine, and any car since then has been paid for up front. Then we knocked out all but one small credit card, and last year a whopper bank line of credit. If we hadn't done all those things we would really be in a pickle now let me tell you. Well, we're still in a pickle but it could be so much worse :-)
The fact that everything is as it is right now is two words....
God's Blessing.
So, add one more constant to the list.
Death
Taxes
GOD's Blessing !
Inevitability.
Things will change it is inevitable. How you deal with it , view it, react to it, now that is a choice each of us has to make on our own.
And no matter your choice it is all too often life defining.
In the midst of all life throws at us each day, don't forget God's Blessing.
If you follow my wife's blog, Life with Shaky, you may know that over the last year we have sturggled with a decision about keeping or selling our home. The initial question arose because Mary felt we should be moving toward planning for the time when I cannot work or take care of the day to day duties of maintaining a home due to PD. A scuffle ensued so to speak....me standing firmly against acceptance of the thought of selling our home which would mean me losing my shop where I love to play with hot rods. After all, I'm not dead yet, I am still a successful general manager for an auto parts retailer, I am in the middle of building a pro street 1969 Camaro.....and so it goes.
Mary on the other hand was likely seeing things more clearly than I would like to admit but in the end I prevailed. More like I won the battle only to lose the war.
Now, 12-18 months later the subject is back on the table again albeit for other reasons.
Things change. Always there is change and just when you think you have most everything under control you wake up one day and the things you were prepared to deal with are not the same things that you actually have to deal with because things changed. Sometimes change happens slowly , other times almost over night.
In the last 18 months.....Who Knew?
- that Mary and I would agree to have one more child which would mean we would lose her income for some time.
- that the company I work for would change the bonus structure essentially eliminating about $5000 from my income.
- the economy would tank in the worst way since the depression resulting in catastrophic business failures, bank bailouts, run away inflation . plummeting home values, and on and on...
And one day you wake up and realize that it's true what they say....the only constant is death and taxes so to speak. And taxes is where our story springs from....
The other day I was doing some pre work on our tax return and Mary and I were talking about when she was a single mom how she could claim the earned income credit which is a government credit that was introduced in the mid 70's to encourage people to work even if the only job they could get did not provide enough income for their needs. At the end of the year , to reward you for not sitting on your butt and living on welfare and food stamps, the government recognized that you hold a job albeit one that won't pay all the bills, and so they give you a big tax credit to offset your shortfall so to speak.
I used to be so envious of that whopped tax refund she would get....
Anyway, on a whim, I checked to see if we now qualified for the EIC and WE DID ....
With my reduced salary due to bonus structure and a freeze on merit raises for two years and little Cecila now in the picture, it is now official, even the US government recognizes that WE are in tough times.
Who Knew ?
Well, at least I am working , at a good job with good benefits. Many people aren't. And the fact that we are doing as well as we are ? Well, not long ago, I was talking to a friend about his business and I asked him to what did he attribute the continued growth of his business to in these trying economic times ? He said two words which really have stuck with me....
God's Blessing.
And if you ask me, that about says it for Mary and I too.
Who knew ? I asked earlier. Certainly , we did not anticipate all I outlined above.
But, how can I explain what drove us over the last five years to pay off nearly every single credit debt we had between us ? We started with Mary's car, then mine, and any car since then has been paid for up front. Then we knocked out all but one small credit card, and last year a whopper bank line of credit. If we hadn't done all those things we would really be in a pickle now let me tell you. Well, we're still in a pickle but it could be so much worse :-)
The fact that everything is as it is right now is two words....
God's Blessing.
So, add one more constant to the list.
Death
Taxes
GOD's Blessing !
Inevitability.
Things will change it is inevitable. How you deal with it , view it, react to it, now that is a choice each of us has to make on our own.
And no matter your choice it is all too often life defining.
In the midst of all life throws at us each day, don't forget God's Blessing.
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