Courage

Life in general is challenging and usually will require courage at some point or another. Recently, I was given an example of courage that caused me to stop and evaluate my future and the future of my family. Courage can take many forms and shapes and can even be mistaken as stupidty !
For instance, when I was diagnosed with PD we were eight months pregnant with our daughter Rielly-Anne. Most would agree that having a child at fifty years old took courage on my part. Many would say and have in fact said it was stupidity.
A few years later, when we decided to have another child , it was difficult to find anyone who didn't think it was a stupid or reckless decision. Now, with Cecilia almost two years old, while challenging, it most certainly was not stupidity. It was carefully considered, planned for, and has brought us much joy and happiness. Was it courage ?
Yes. The courage to live our lives in spite of PD. The courage to break from tradition. The courage to begin something without knowing how it will end. The courage to begin something knowing certain things would likely happen. But not stupidity.
This week my oldest brother who has PD+MSA ended up in the hospital. Infection, very weak. He has a catheter, a feeding tube, can't speak or do anything else for himself. When I saw him the other night, I felt sure the end was near. His wife was very upset and felt the same way.
All I could say to him was that I loved him, take it easy and relax, and I told him if I could I would take his place. It broke my heart to see him in such a horrible condition.
When I talked to my sister in law, she felt guilty because she talked him into the feeding tube over a year ago when he initially did not want one. She felt she had prolonged his suffering. In reality, HE made the final decision, not her. And in doing so, he was able to be around to see what is likely his last grandchild.
My sister in law was struggling with asking him if he wanted to remove the tube since at first he didn't want it but she was scared he was too weak to even give an answer. This morning , after talking to a counselor, she found the courage to ask him. Again, HE made the decision to keep the feeding tube.
Many people would view his decision as stupid much like our decision to have another child. Obviously, I am inspired by both he and his wife. They have more courage than I can imagine. He has chosen to live , trapped in the prison that is his body. While he is unable to communicate his reasons, I believe it is out of love. His love for his wife and family and knowing that his passing will be more than diffficult for them. By the same token, his wife has stood by him, cared for him non stop under the most difficult of human conditions. Why ? Surely love...but also courage. Almost 100% of the time, someone or more than one will tell the spouse of a PWP to run.....because the way is difficult, painful, ugly, debillitating and devastating.
How much courage is that ? Immeasurable. Inspiring. Awesome.
Those of us with PD or any other chronic, fatal disease are lucky if we have spouses like my sister in law and my wife. I can only hope to be as courageous as my brother one day.
I have wanted to be like him since we were kids and have always looked up to him. It would appear that we have a lot more in common than we may have thought and I STILL look up to him..................